This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
