update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
