the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
