There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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