I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my phone needs a breathalizer
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
