if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
