I am in a vortex of obligation.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
