my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
