umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize