he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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