If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
