mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We named our party play list daddy issues
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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