Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
