saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
