I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
