i just had sex bonerless
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
