that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
