I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
