he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
