mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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