If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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