if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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