My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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