i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
