JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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