i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
