that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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