I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
