dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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