I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
