He kissed a someone with a penis
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
