there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
