I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
