dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
