There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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