I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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