girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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