He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
