I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dignity is for republicans.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
