Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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