I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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