Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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