Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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