Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
