I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
