I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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