My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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