Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
