i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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