someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
