I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
