I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
