No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
