He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
