There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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